I've been feeling really shitty lately. And, yes, I have to curse because anything less couldn't articulate how I feel. My doctor has tried 2 different anti-psychotics on me to treat my depression, neither of them worked. The first caused my heart rate to spike and made me jittery; the second had the opposite effect and made me more tired, more depressed. Jason insisted I quit taking the second one as I was crying every day, for half hour stretches or more at a time, and I had to quit cold turkey. That also happened the week I was PMS'ing. Awesome. So now I'm on nothing until I see my doctor again next week. In the mean time I'm sluggish, sad, angry, and want to die. All the things I love to do I now hate doing. I've lost interest in everything but sleep.
To top it all off, I've lost a dear friend. And I'm not even sure why. I don't believe it's anything I did personally, but it's aggravating that she won't talk to me about it. This loss comes on the heels of losing another friend, but that one at least made sense to me. That friend left the church of which my husband is a pastor, a church she doesn't like. So I understand why she felt the need to cut ties. This second friend, though, I don't know what to think. It came out of nowhere; one day we were fine, the next we weren't. My feelings are hurt terribly and because I'm so emotionally unstable right now, I can't handle it appropriately.
I got really angry at God and screamed at him about all of this for a bit the other day. If only one person can handle my rage and mental issues, it's him. (Hey, if David can talk about being happy about the babies of his enemies being dashed against rocks, I think God can handle whatever it is I need to say.) I just want to be free from all of this, and I feel like he could be doing more to help me. You should feel most sorry for my kids. They got the short end of the stick in the mom department. There are few things worse than an apathetic mother.
I'm just tired and want this to be over.
